These Funny Flight Attendants Almost Make You Forget How Much You Hate Flying
Let's face it — hardly anybody wants to listen to the flight attendants on an airplane. If it's the in-flight safety announcements, it's boring. If it's an emergency announcement, it's terrifying. Neither of those are optimal states of being, so what can you do?
A sense of humor goes a long way in making boring situations tolerable and terrifying situations manageable. These flight attendants keep us laughing despite the challenges of modern air travel.
You've Got to Get Your Inventory Somewhere
Perhaps we'd all leave fewer things behind on airplanes if we knew they'd end up getting peddled on the black market. Upon landing, one airline attendant was overheard saying, "Please feel free to leave behind any of your items in the overhead compartment; I’m having a yard sale this weekend."
After a particularly rough landing, one flight attendant quipped, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have just attacked Los Angeles." After the luggage has been thrown asunder throughout the cabin, the booze has splashed on your vacation clothes, you whispered your prayers and your knuckles have whitened...it's always good to end on a hearty laugh.
For the Quickest Way off the Plane...
Being intimidated by the buttons above you in passenger seating is silly. Look at the pilots — they have hundreds of buttons to deal with. You have just a few little buttons above your seat, and none of them affect the functioning of the plane. At least, that's what we're told.
It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time
It’s unlikely that anyone who has ever dreamed of having children has really thought through all the details. Sure, those kids seem to complete the idyllic family life, but that was before you locked yourself into a metal cylinder with them hurtling through the air at ludicrous speeds.
Don't Get Stuck Holding the Bag
Flight attendants come up with creative means of getting all the passengers off the plane as soon as possible. They're on a tight schedule and don't have time for dawdlers.
Southwest Airlines flight attendant Marty Cobb posted a viral video of herself performing a comedic version of the safety instructions. She started with, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for just a few moments? My ex-husband, my new boyfriend and their divorce attorney are going to show the safety features."
That's Gonna Cost Ya
Viral flight attendant star Marty Cobb had a few more jokes up her sleeve, touching on how airlines like to nickel and dime passengers for amenities. During the in-flight safety demonstration with the oxygen mask, she announced, "To activate the flow of oxygen, just insert 75 cents for the first minute."
Put It Out or We'll Put You Out
There was a day when passengers could smoke in the passenger cabins of airplanes, but those days are long gone. However, some passengers still need some polite reminding.
Was That My Luggage?
There’s nothing like a bit of violent dropping and shaking on an airplane to get the ol’ blood flowing again. Panic is usually passengers’ first reaction, followed by a death grip on the armrests and the downing of any liquor within reach. It’s not pleasant, and it can't end soon enough.
Try Not to Think About It
Does anyone ever really stop to think that strapping into an airplane and flying across the country is something our ancestors would have considered insane? That there’s nothing separating you from the ground thousands of feet down other than a thin sheet of metal?
Aiming to Please
It's great to know that when something goes wrong on an airplane, the flight attendants and crew try to go out of their way to fix it. It doesn't always work, but at least they put in some effort.
Nature has a way of guaranteeing the survival of your genes. If you have many children, congratulations! They’ll look after you when you’ve grown old. As long as you look after them well right now — which might be hard, depending on the flight you book.
Don't Get Your Hopes Up
Though experienced flyers know what all the buttons above the seat do, there are always a few newbies who may not. The flight attendants are there to help get those rookies caught up to speed.
It's Like a Water Park
No one ever wants to really imagine what happens "in the event of a water landing." Yes, you're glad there are precautions, but you pray this won't happen to you. That’s not a euphemism you want to hear associated with planes.
It's Just Business
If you stop and think about it, business travelers pay a lot for their airline tickets, particularly when you consider how much they pay for huge upgrades over coach. This is not lost on the flight attendants, who seem to give a nod to the fact that these frequent flyers spend quite a bit.
Not to State the Obvious
Take-off speed for the average commercial airliner is somewhere around 150 miles an hour. That's faster than you'll go in a car, and you're doing it in a gigantic jetliner that weighs somewhere around 60 tons. Those engines have to work overtime to get you into the air. If you stop and think about what it takes, you realize it’s quite impressive.
No One Flies for the Food
Airplane food has been the butt of jokes for decades. And with good reason! But to be fair, not every airline serves horrible food, and if you're in first class, your experience is much different. That being said, for most everyone the meals are just awful.
Public Service Announcement
We all know smoking is bad for us, yet millions of people still light up every day. Generations ago, smoking was everywhere: restaurants, planes, bars, hotels. These days in most places, smoking is limited to outdoor spaces or inside your own home.
If You Don't Like the Oxygen, You'll Love the Booze
Everyone who’s flown has seen the safety demonstration, so it's not like you're missing something if you tune out — except when the flight attendants start messing with your head. Southwest, in particular, is known for inserting humor into the otherwise-dry and canned safety announcements that the Federal Aviation Administration makes mandatory.
Whatever Happens in Vegas...
Flight attendants working the shuttle between Los Angeles and Las Vegas have surely seen it all. The contrast between the "we're all gonna be rich!" energy on the way to Vegas couldn't be more different than the "we're hungover and broke" vibe on the way back. Reality is pretty tough.
The Choice Is Yours
Let's face it. Flying isn't an ideal comfort situation for anyone unless you're in first or business class — but even all those amenities can’t make up for being trapped in a tin can with dozens of people flying at unfathomable speeds.
Survival Can Be a Party
This joke was so popular it made the regular rounds on the Southwest in-flight safety announcements for a while. It's hard to make light of a potentially life-threatening situation, but it's not hard to recognize the ridiculous fashion statement a life vest makes.
The Smoking Section Is Breezy
The urge for serious smokers to start puffing on a flight is real. That's the power of nicotine addiction. But, unless you're a time traveler from the 1960s, everyone knows that you can't light up on a plane. Between the jet fuel and the flammable upholstery, it's a wonder smoking was ever allowed to begin with.
Get Out the Back, Jack
Most everyone would like to think that they’d remain calm in an emergency situation, but reality dictates otherwise. In case of an emergency landing, the biggest and strongest among the passengers might fall apart, while the smallest and shyest may be stoic and calm. This is why it's important to listen during the part of the safety demonstration about exits.
Who Says Nothing Is Free Anymore?
The older generations remember that flying used to come with all kinds of perks that were complimentary with your boarding pass. Meals were much more extravagant. You didn't have to pay extra for carry-on luggage. You could usually get at least one boozy drink for free.
Sometimes it's more powerful to work with passenger urges instead of against them. Flight attendants know about that weird 20 minutes or so between when the plane lands and when it comes to a full stop. That's when every passenger on the plane is champing at the bit to stand up, stretch and get out.
We Take Full Responsibility
There's nothing more refreshing than an airline that takes complete responsibility for any and all customer service-related issues. Well, there’s one thing more refreshing: an airline that doesn't take itself too seriously and uses humor to defuse issues. For some reason, it's easier to trust someone who’s funny over a stiff stuffed shirt.
You Aren't Made of Money
Fines are steep for misbehaving on airplanes. Penalties are high for smoking, because, you know, open flames and flammable everything-around-you don't mix. And you just can't get that cigarette smoke out of the recirculated air.
Don't Scrimp on the Extras
After the full presentation on using the oxygen mask in an emergency, Southwest flight attendant Marty Cobb added, "And let’s be honest, only those that paid the extra $49.99 get any extra oxygen."
Smile and Don't Panic
One plane had such a rough landing in Phoenix, even the smiling flight attendants couldn't help commenting. You have to wonder if they have these announcements scripted beforehand. If they don’t, most flight attendants could have futures in the comedy circuit.