People Who Ask These Questions Shouldn't Be Allowed to Procreate

By Jake Schroeder
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Photo Courtesy: DigitalMarketingAgency/Pixabay

Kids, teenagers and even soon-to-be parents all have questions about pregnancy. However, some people ask questions that are hard to believe. They have zero clue about how babies are made.

As alarming as these questions may be in their implications about the ignorance of the general population, they’re also hilarious. This is a collection of some of the funniest most ridiculous questions about pregnancy that exist on the internet.

"Does the Toothpaste Pregnancy Test Work?"

There is a test where you mix your urine with toothpaste. If the toothpaste changes color, then you're (supposedly) pregnant. Was this alternative pregnancy test concocted because someone wanted to save money?

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Photo Courtesy: stevepb/Pixabay

Needless to say, you’re better off paying a few bucks for a real pregnancy test. Not only will you guarantee more accurate results, but you won’t have to collect your own urine and apply it to toothpaste.

"What Color Is Sperm When It Comes Out of a Woman?"

Someone clearly needed to pay more attention in health class. What assumptions are being made here — does this person think women regularly create sperm? That the sperm themselves change color depending on where they are like chameleons?

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Photo Courtesy: DavidRockDesign/Pixabay

Sperm is only made by males, and the cells are too small to see with the naked eye. While human semen has a creamy color, it doesn’t change just because it’s been in a vagina. Hopefully, you already knew that.

"Is She Pregnant if We Had Sex While On The Webcam While Chatting?"

Yeah, check if your computer's period is late. Is your computer suddenly getting sick in the mornings? Does it have a noticeable bump on it? But seriously, if you are asking a question this ridiculous, you have lost the right to request "serious answers only."

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Photo Courtesy: Philipp Katzenberger/Unsplash

You literally didn't touch her at all, and you’re worrying you got her pregnant. In your mind, how does conception really work? People make sexual comments while masturbating over the internet, and suddenly, the girl is with a child? Come on!

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"Can You Get Pregnant From the Bum Hole?"

You know, it just travels into the anus, up through the intestines and somehow lands in the uterus. No! The only way you get pregnant is by getting sperm through the vagina. However, there is a chance that the sperm could mistakenly get brushed/wiped into the vagina.

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Photo Courtesy: Alexander Schimmeck/Unsplash

If the only place the sperm was put is in the butt, however, then no, you are not pregnant. But maybe sign up for a human anatomy class and stop asking the internet stupid questions.

"How Much Milk Do I Need to Add to Baby Powder to Make a Baby?"

Ah, yes, much like sea monkeys or one of those toy dinosaurs that grows when placed in water, adding milk to baby powder creates an insta-baby. This advanced formula was only patented in 1993, so just imagine what the mothers of yesteryear went through!

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Photo Courtesy: Eiliv-Sonas Aceron/Unsplash

Just kidding. Honestly, it’s hard to say if this question is even serious — after all, everyone knows what baby formula is, right? Then again, given the general state of humanity, perhaps that’s expecting too much.

"Is It Safe to Vacuum During Pregnancy?"

Who knew this was a concern for pregnant people? There are a bunch of household chore questions on Google that are valid concerns, like handling or being around chemicals, but how is using a vacuum going to harm the baby or the parent?

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Photo Courtesy: stevepb/Pixabay

Perhaps someone was concerned about the loud noise? Or maybe they thought they would somehow accidentally suck the baby out of the uterus. No, that is never going to happen. Sleep better tonight knowing that your baby is safe from vacuum cleaners.

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"Can We Kiss During Pregnancy?"

No, sorry. Kissing will result in saliva from the male going into the female body, killing her instantly. See, when pregnant, there is a mystical energy force in a woman, and her man's spit is the kryptonite. Just one kiss and both mom and baby will die!

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Photo Courtesy: StockSnap/Pixabay

Of course kissing is okay while pregnant! Some couples even physically bond more when a partner is pregnant. It's a very intimate time between sexual partners and should be celebrated. Enjoy your time together before baby makes three.

"Is Rainbow Trout a Good Name for a Baby Girl?"

Can you name your child after a fish? Someone is going to have to check the actual laws surrounding child names. Maybe those pesky Danes have a rule against names inspired by aquatic wildlife — who’s to say?

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Photo Courtesy: Mael BALLAND/Unsplash

How about naming your baby girl after a flower. Those names are usually pretty safe. Or how about naming her after a family member? Just please, no fish names. If you want a child who likes their name, please please please don't name them after a fish.

"How Do You Tell if Your Water Broke or You Peed?"

A serious dilemma that is also quite funny. Waiting for your water to break is filled with anticipation. It's the final step before going into labor, but it can lead to an internet question search like this.

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Photo Courtesy: ChristopherPluta/Pixabay

To be fair, this question doesn’t really belong on this list, since it can be difficult to tell the difference between the two. Sometimes water breaking is a slow dribble, while other times, it’s a quick gush, so when in doubt, call your doctor or get to a hospital.

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"Can You Run Out of Sperm?"

Seriously, who taught these people about reproduction? No buddy, you're good. The testes are always producing new sperm, so there's no way you can run out. However, there can be issues with sperm that affect the ability to procreate. Some are even as simple as using a laptop on your lap too much, which temporarily lowers production/.

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Photo Courtesy: Nicole De Khors/Burst

If you have any concerns, a doctor should be consulted. Do not rely on strangers from the internet, or else you might end up with some of the same bizarre assumptions that lead to these questions.

"Can a Woman Not Scream During Childbirth? Can You Just Cry and Hold It In?"

Yeah, sure, dude. Try and tell your spouse not to scream because it’s making you uncomfortable. Nevermind that childbirth is some of the worst pain a person can experience. If you're seriously asking this question because you're concerned with your own selfish needs, take a step back.

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Photo Courtesy: Victoria_Borodinova/Pixabay

Childbirth can be lethal. To undergo it requires every ounce of strength a person has while experiencing serious pain, and all to bring new life into the world. Hold your partner’s hand and be glad that only one of you has to go through this.

"Can You Get Pregnant if Only the Tip Goes In?"

As this person would know if they’d paid attention in sex ed, it’s the sperm that causes impregnation, not the member, so it doesn’t matter how far it goes. Any chance of sperm getting into the vagina is a chance that you will become pregnant. Even with no penis at all.

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Photo Courtesy: Sarah Pflug/Burst

If there is sperm on someone or something and it comes in contact with or near the vagina, you can get pregnant. Those little guys are persistent — they can linger for days after insertion, and they know how to climb if they’re not in deep enough.

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"I've Only Been With My Girlfriend for About Four Weeks, But the Doctor Says She Is Four Months Pregnant. Why Is My Sperm So Potent?"

Someone’s asking the wrong questions. The saddest part of this is that someone capable of using a word like "potent" still knew so little about pregnancy. If you’re reading this, stranger, here’s the truth: your girlfriend cheated on you

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Photo Courtesy: EliasSch/Pixabay

And no, there is no such thing as super sperm that can cause extra fast pregnancies. Sorry you had to find out this way, but now you know the baby isn't yours. You're free to live your life without a child for the time being.

"I'm 8 and I Haven't Started My Period Yet, Am I Pregnant? I Kissed a Boy on the Playground the Other Day. And I Tasted His Saliva It Was Gross But I Think That Saliva Is the Same Thing My Teacher Talks About Sperm or Whatever."

What an adorable question. I pity the parental guardians who didn't teach her about conception. Just a girl who thought she did something wrong, so she panics and desperately asks strangers on the internet for help.

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Photo Courtesy: EME/Pixabay

Who is teaching these kids, though? Speaking to her health class teacher, how do you mess this up? She thinks saliva from the mouth is the same thing as sperm from a penis. I think it's time to rethink the lesson plan, or maybe just the instructor’s entire career as an educator of reproductive health.

"Does Sperm Come Out if You Stand Up?"

No, gravity can’t keep you from getting pregnant. Sperm isn’t like water dripping off your body after a shower. Its number one job is to find the egg and fertilize it, and in fact, it can climb up the vagina in the event that it didn’t get a great start.

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Photo Courtesy: skeeze/Pixabay

It's like the sperm is running the marathon, and the egg in the uterus is the finish line. The cutoff time for the race is the death of the sperm (sperm can stay alive for 2-5 days in the vagina). The sperm either finishes the race or dies trying.

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"If a Vagina Isn't Used, Can It Heal Up and Close?"

It’s hard to say if this person is concerned about or content with the fact that they are not getting laid. They could be worried that if they don't have sex regularly, the vagina may decide it’s had enough and close.

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Photo Courtesy: ulleo/Pixabay

However, the use of the words "heal up" makes it sound like their vagina is just annoying to them. I guess that is a valid point. If you aren’t going to use it for sexual pleasure or to create a baby, then what is the point of it?

"Can a Man Poke the Baby in the Head?"

I'm sure your man has a love-making organ that makes you go blurry with pleasure, but no, he cannot poke the baby's head with his penis. When a woman is pregnant, the body creates a barrier to keep the baby in the uterus and everything else out.

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Photo Courtesy: PublicDomainPictures/Pixabay

That said, no one besides a doctor should be sticking anything up there that isn't a penis. This is not like using Q-Tips to clean your ears: It’s a child who is growing inside of you and doesn't need anything knocking at its door.

"How Do I Take a Shower Without Drowning My Unborn Baby?"

The woman who posted this question also said that because of this concern, she has not showered in five months, and her husband has not touched her since. Wonder why that could be. Don’t worry — you will not drown your child by taking a shower.

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Photo Courtesy: tookapic/Pixabay

You can even take a bath or swim in the ocean or a pool and it will not hurt the baby in any way. Have you not heard of women having water births? Guess not. Anyway, take a shower to be kind to your husband.

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"Sex Is Disgusting. Is There Another Way to Make Babies Without Sex?"

Who doesn't like sex? Not this person, apparently. Some people just aren’t a fan of the miracle that is the human body. Anyway, the point is that sex is the only free way to make a baby.

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Photo Courtesy: RobinHiggins/Pixabay

There are other methods like artificial insemination that can create a child but they are costly. Have you seen the episode of Friends where Frank and Alice use all of their savings for a meager chance at having a baby? It’s like that, only Lisa Kudrow probably won’t agree to be your surrogate.

"How Am I Sure I'm the Real Mom of My Kid?"

Oh dear. You do know that the only ones with valid questions about their kids' genes are the fathers, right? The mother is the one who grows the baby in her uterus. Unless you are telling me that you completely forgot you were a surrogate for another couple?

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Photo Courtesy: Jon Tyson/Unsplash

If that’s the case, consider who should be in charge of raising and caring for the child. If you can't remember how you got pregnant, how are you going to remember to care for the child? In the words of Jerry Springer (sort of), congrats, you are the mom!

"So If You Get Pregnant in Vegas, Does the Baby Have to Stay There?"

This has got to be the most extreme usage of the Vegas saying, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Imagine what the city would be like if it was full of orphaned children who were conceived there. No, of course the baby doesn't have to stay there.

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Photo Courtesy: Pexels/Pixabay

Every child who is conceived in Vegas is free to roam, same as the mother). The only things the parents have to worry about are how much alcohol was consumed during conception and whether doing the deed was really a good idea

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"Do You Think the Baby Is Drinking the Blood?"

Is this baby Edward Cullen from Twilight? Dracula? Maybe even Nandor from What We Do in the Shadows? That could explain this question. For the purposes of the answer, however, let’s assume we’re dealing with a living human being who just doesn’t understand periods.

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Photo Courtesy: Three-shots/Pixabay

When a woman is pregnant, she doesn't get her period. This is because a period is (to simplify things a bit) the uterus lining that sheds only if there is no baby to protect. If there is a baby there, the lining remains where it is until the baby is delivered.

"Is It True That You Don't Need to Wear Condoms When Sleeping With an Asian Woman Since They Can't Get Pregnant?"

How do you even rationalize something like this? If Asians couldn't get pregnant, then how are Asian countries still thriving? Is the assumption that Asians reproduce through cloning or fission?

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Photo Courtesy: Andrew Stutesman/Unsplash

Asian women can get pregnant just like white women, black women, and any other female-born people on planet earth you care to mention. Only if you have a medical condition is there a possibility that a girl can't get pregnant. Take that under advisement when sleeping with anyone ever.

"If You Throw Up While You Are Pregnant Can You Throw the Baby Up?"

Sure. The baby will pass through the walls of the uterus like a ghost and head straight for your stomach. It will travel up the throat and fly out of your mouth. No! You absolutely cannot throw up a baby, accidentally or on purpose.

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Photo Courtesy: PixelwunderByRebecca/Pixabay

Someone needs reminding that the stomach and the uterus are not connected, and they should be thankful for that fact. Imagine eating a hotdog and having the chewed up bits find their way down there. No one wants that.

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"My Girl Swallowed After Oral Now I'm Worried She Got Pregnant. I Bought Her Laxatives But Don't Know How to Ask?"

Imagine where the laxatives might come into play. Does this person want the unborn baby to come out in her stool? Do they think laxatives are the same thing as a plan-b pill? Do they believe laxatives can cause an abortion?

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Photo Courtesy: qimono/Pixabay

This person just don't understand female anatomy. Again, the stomach and uterus aren't connected. Don't worry about asking her because she is not pregnant just from oral sex. Next time, consult a health textbook first before wasting money.

"I Haven't Gotten My Period Since I Got Pregnant? Do You Think That the Baby Is Drinking the Period Blood? Help!"

Ah, yes, more vampires. They certainly are all the rage these days. A simpler explanation, however, might be that periods stop with pregnancy. That is how it is supposed to work. No blood is going anywhere because it is still in the uterus waiting to nurture the egg as it develops.

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Photo Courtesy: Devoka/Pixabay

Maybe these questions are becoming more popular now because of Twilight? In that case, perhaps we should warn you that if you are Bella Swan, you will be turned into a vampire after giving birth. Just FYI..

"Can You Get Pregnant if You Wash Out the Sperm?"

How do you plan to wash out the sperm? Maybe you think that hosing down in the shower will help. However, it may just push the sperm into your vagina, causing you to get pregnant anyway.

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Photo Courtesy: creative2usa

This is another question that isn’t entirely unreasonable, but it doesn’t change the fact that there’s nothing you can wash yourself with that can kill sperm but not harm or kill you in the process. If you’re really concerned, consult a doctor, or better yet, wait to have sex until you’re properly educated.

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"What If the Girl That Thinks I Am the Dad Isn't the Mom?"

How is there this much confusion about who the parents are? Have you never watched bad reality tv where they dramatically reveal the father? The point is that there's never an instance where anyone says, "You are the mother" or "You are not the mother."

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Photo Courtesy: Anemone123/Pixabay

If the baby grows in the uterus of a woman, she is the mother. Unless artificial insemination was involved, the mother is always the mother. But if you meant to ask if you are the father, two words: paternity test.

"My Bro Has Not Got His First Period Yet?"

This is another question that’s almost heartwarming — a person this (presumably) young certainly deserves a patient answer. She knows that periods are a thing — she just doesn't know what they mean. They almost sound magical here, like some rite of initiation everyone must go through.

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Photo Courtesy: Eric Rothermel/Unsplash

To have a period, you need a vagina and uterus, not a penis. The period is a result of the lining of the uterus shedding when there was no baby there. Hopefully that clears things up.

"Can You Get Pregnant From Watching a Health Class Video?"

Imagine living in a world where pregnancy could be initiated via video. Walking by a TV store playing an ill-advised documentary? Whoops, pregnant. Teaching sex ed? Gosh darn, now the entire class is in a family way.

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Photo Courtesy: Free-Photos/Pixabay

The only risk in watching health class videos is acquiring a better understanding how sex works, but that’s what people need to make responsible decisions as they get older. The real person who deserves to be shamed here is whomever showed this kid such a lousy video.

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