People Who Ask These Questions Shouldn't Be Allowed to Procreate
Kids, teenagers and even soon-to-be parents all have questions about pregnancy. However, some people ask questions that are hard to believe. They have zero clue about how babies are made.
As alarming as these questions may be in their implications about the ignorance of the general population, they’re also hilarious. This is a collection of some of the funniest most ridiculous questions about pregnancy that exist on the internet.
"Does the Toothpaste Pregnancy Test Work?"
There is a test where you mix your urine with toothpaste. If the toothpaste changes color, then you're (supposedly) pregnant. Was this alternative pregnancy test concocted because someone wanted to save money?
"What Color Is Sperm When It Comes Out of a Woman?"
Someone clearly needed to pay more attention in health class. What assumptions are being made here — does this person think women regularly create sperm? That the sperm themselves change color depending on where they are like chameleons?
"Is She Pregnant if We Had Sex While On The Webcam While Chatting?"
Yeah, check if your computer's period is late. Is your computer suddenly getting sick in the mornings? Does it have a noticeable bump on it? But seriously, if you are asking a question this ridiculous, you have lost the right to request "serious answers only."
"Can You Get Pregnant From the Bum Hole?"
You know, it just travels into the anus, up through the intestines and somehow lands in the uterus. No! The only way you get pregnant is by getting sperm through the vagina. However, there is a chance that the sperm could mistakenly get brushed/wiped into the vagina.
"How Much Milk Do I Need to Add to Baby Powder to Make a Baby?"
Ah, yes, much like sea monkeys or one of those toy dinosaurs that grows when placed in water, adding milk to baby powder creates an insta-baby. This advanced formula was only patented in 1993, so just imagine what the mothers of yesteryear went through!
"Is It Safe to Vacuum During Pregnancy?"
Who knew this was a concern for pregnant people? There are a bunch of household chore questions on Google that are valid concerns, like handling or being around chemicals, but how is using a vacuum going to harm the baby or the parent?
"Can We Kiss During Pregnancy?"
No, sorry. Kissing will result in saliva from the male going into the female body, killing her instantly. See, when pregnant, there is a mystical energy force in a woman, and her man's spit is the kryptonite. Just one kiss and both mom and baby will die!
"Is Rainbow Trout a Good Name for a Baby Girl?"
Can you name your child after a fish? Someone is going to have to check the actual laws surrounding child names. Maybe those pesky Danes have a rule against names inspired by aquatic wildlife — who’s to say?
"How Do You Tell if Your Water Broke or You Peed?"
A serious dilemma that is also quite funny. Waiting for your water to break is filled with anticipation. It's the final step before going into labor, but it can lead to an internet question search like this.
"Can You Run Out of Sperm?"
Seriously, who taught these people about reproduction? No buddy, you're good. The testes are always producing new sperm, so there's no way you can run out. However, there can be issues with sperm that affect the ability to procreate. Some are even as simple as using a laptop on your lap too much, which temporarily lowers production/.
"Can a Woman Not Scream During Childbirth? Can You Just Cry and Hold It In?"
Yeah, sure, dude. Try and tell your spouse not to scream because it’s making you uncomfortable. Nevermind that childbirth is some of the worst pain a person can experience. If you're seriously asking this question because you're concerned with your own selfish needs, take a step back.
"Can You Get Pregnant if Only the Tip Goes In?"
As this person would know if they’d paid attention in sex ed, it’s the sperm that causes impregnation, not the member, so it doesn’t matter how far it goes. Any chance of sperm getting into the vagina is a chance that you will become pregnant. Even with no penis at all.
"I've Only Been With My Girlfriend for About Four Weeks, But the Doctor Says She Is Four Months Pregnant. Why Is My Sperm So Potent?"
Someone’s asking the wrong questions. The saddest part of this is that someone capable of using a word like "potent" still knew so little about pregnancy. If you’re reading this, stranger, here’s the truth: your girlfriend cheated on you
"I'm 8 and I Haven't Started My Period Yet, Am I Pregnant? I Kissed a Boy on the Playground the Other Day. And I Tasted His Saliva It Was Gross But I Think That Saliva Is the Same Thing My Teacher Talks About Sperm or Whatever."
What an adorable question. I pity the parental guardians who didn't teach her about conception. Just a girl who thought she did something wrong, so she panics and desperately asks strangers on the internet for help.
"Does Sperm Come Out if You Stand Up?"
No, gravity can’t keep you from getting pregnant. Sperm isn’t like water dripping off your body after a shower. Its number one job is to find the egg and fertilize it, and in fact, it can climb up the vagina in the event that it didn’t get a great start.
"If a Vagina Isn't Used, Can It Heal Up and Close?"
It’s hard to say if this person is concerned about or content with the fact that they are not getting laid. They could be worried that if they don't have sex regularly, the vagina may decide it’s had enough and close.
"Can a Man Poke the Baby in the Head?"
I'm sure your man has a love-making organ that makes you go blurry with pleasure, but no, he cannot poke the baby's head with his penis. When a woman is pregnant, the body creates a barrier to keep the baby in the uterus and everything else out.
"How Do I Take a Shower Without Drowning My Unborn Baby?"
The woman who posted this question also said that because of this concern, she has not showered in five months, and her husband has not touched her since. Wonder why that could be. Don’t worry — you will not drown your child by taking a shower.
"Sex Is Disgusting. Is There Another Way to Make Babies Without Sex?"
Who doesn't like sex? Not this person, apparently. Some people just aren’t a fan of the miracle that is the human body. Anyway, the point is that sex is the only free way to make a baby.
"How Am I Sure I'm the Real Mom of My Kid?"
Oh dear. You do know that the only ones with valid questions about their kids' genes are the fathers, right? The mother is the one who grows the baby in her uterus. Unless you are telling me that you completely forgot you were a surrogate for another couple?
"So If You Get Pregnant in Vegas, Does the Baby Have to Stay There?"
This has got to be the most extreme usage of the Vegas saying, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Imagine what the city would be like if it was full of orphaned children who were conceived there. No, of course the baby doesn't have to stay there.
"Do You Think the Baby Is Drinking the Blood?"
Is this baby Edward Cullen from Twilight? Dracula? Maybe even Nandor from What We Do in the Shadows? That could explain this question. For the purposes of the answer, however, let’s assume we’re dealing with a living human being who just doesn’t understand periods.
"Is It True That You Don't Need to Wear Condoms When Sleeping With an Asian Woman Since They Can't Get Pregnant?"
How do you even rationalize something like this? If Asians couldn't get pregnant, then how are Asian countries still thriving? Is the assumption that Asians reproduce through cloning or fission?
"If You Throw Up While You Are Pregnant Can You Throw the Baby Up?"
Sure. The baby will pass through the walls of the uterus like a ghost and head straight for your stomach. It will travel up the throat and fly out of your mouth. No! You absolutely cannot throw up a baby, accidentally or on purpose.
"My Girl Swallowed After Oral Now I'm Worried She Got Pregnant. I Bought Her Laxatives But Don't Know How to Ask?"
Imagine where the laxatives might come into play. Does this person want the unborn baby to come out in her stool? Do they think laxatives are the same thing as a plan-b pill? Do they believe laxatives can cause an abortion?
"I Haven't Gotten My Period Since I Got Pregnant? Do You Think That the Baby Is Drinking the Period Blood? Help!"
Ah, yes, more vampires. They certainly are all the rage these days. A simpler explanation, however, might be that periods stop with pregnancy. That is how it is supposed to work. No blood is going anywhere because it is still in the uterus waiting to nurture the egg as it develops.
"Can You Get Pregnant if You Wash Out the Sperm?"
How do you plan to wash out the sperm? Maybe you think that hosing down in the shower will help. However, it may just push the sperm into your vagina, causing you to get pregnant anyway.
"What If the Girl That Thinks I Am the Dad Isn't the Mom?"
How is there this much confusion about who the parents are? Have you never watched bad reality tv where they dramatically reveal the father? The point is that there's never an instance where anyone says, "You are the mother" or "You are not the mother."
"My Bro Has Not Got His First Period Yet?"
This is another question that’s almost heartwarming — a person this (presumably) young certainly deserves a patient answer. She knows that periods are a thing — she just doesn't know what they mean. They almost sound magical here, like some rite of initiation everyone must go through.
"Can You Get Pregnant From Watching a Health Class Video?"
Imagine living in a world where pregnancy could be initiated via video. Walking by a TV store playing an ill-advised documentary? Whoops, pregnant. Teaching sex ed? Gosh darn, now the entire class is in a family way.